So I had an exclusive interview with talk-of-the-town Nollywood star Adesua Etomi about her engagement to Banky W. Here’s how it went.
ADESUA: Thanks ‘Segun. I saw all the posts you guys did about our engagement. That’s why I thought I should grant TNS this exclusive interview. The first since our announcement.
ME: And you won’t regret it.
[Adesua’s phone rings. It’s Banky W. She has his name stored as Olubankole teminikan. She asks for permission and picks]
ADESUA: [grinning] Hi babe… Yeah, I’m good. I’m with ‘Segun… The dude from TNS… Yeah… I miss you too… I can’t wait to kiss that you on the head…[giggles]… Muah… I love you too baby… See ya later… You’re going to be at Ebuka’s abi?… Yeah, I’m coming… Bye [ends call]
ADESUA: Sorry about that ‘Segun. It was my baby.
ME: [pretending] You’re a baby mama too? You did a very good job of hiding it…
ADESUA: Banky jor. Banky…my baby. Weren’t you listening to the conversation?
ME: Oh, sorry. Okay, so, how did you feel when Banky slid into your DM?
ADESUA: [giggles] It was magical. He made me laugh. He said something about his head and how an airplane can land on it.
ME: [aside] He should have just changed his nickname to MM3.
ADESUA: You said?
ME: Nothing. I just remembered I didn’t feed my chicken this morning before leaving the house.
ADESUA: [laughs] You’re almost funny.
ME: Some people say even though they do not doubt that both of you are engaged, they think the photo he put out was a photo shoot, not the actual proposal photo.
ME: They say you were too composed. Like he already sent you a DM the day before that he was going to propose the next day. They say, not me of course, that it looked too much that there was a director for the shoot. Why didn’t you swoon?
ADESUA: [laughs] Well… I didn’t swoon because I knew Banky would propose.
ME: Oh, he sent you a DM to that effect?
ADESUA: No jor. Banky is such a sweet fellow. I knew he would not drag his feet about where we were going with what we had.
ME: Shots fired!
ME: [coughs] No one. But no matter how hard I looked at that picture, I didn’t see any gold in it.
ADESUA: [laughs] You cheeky bastard. I see what you did there.
[We high-five each other]
ME: Is it true that you turned down Falz for Banky W?
ME: We also heard you ignored an American for Banky W. True?
ME: Drake? Which Drake? What does he do?
ADESUA: Same Drake. The American star. The one that did the song with Wizkid.
ADESUA: Well, I ignored his DM. He sent me a DM two days before Banky proposed.
ME: And you didn’t reply?
ADESUA: Nah. I couldn’t do that to my baby.
ME: Issalie, Susu.
ADESUA: Issatrue, ‘Segun.
ME: My chwest! Apostle must hear this.
Congratulations to Adesua Etomi and Banky W. May your union be blessed.
To those who believe this conversation took place in any other place apart from my head, President Buhari is hale and hearty and the only reason we haven’t been seeing him is because The Presidency heard that Jack Bauer is coming to Nigeria.